The perils of dating when you are old, old, old

Leave a comment

Dating when you are widowed, divorced or over 50 or YIKES over 60, is far from the experience we remembered when we were young, and yet, it is very much like that. Let me explain. I know that sounds contradictory. First, we don’t expect it to be like it was when we were young. We believe that we have lived our lives and gained much experience in these matters and should be able to deal with dating easily. Not so! We come to dating again about the same age and experience level that we were when we last dated. In my case, that makes me 26. However, it is more complicated than that. We also have years of experience living with someone, and if that was a good experience, as in my case, we expect that dating will also be good. Not so!
First, we forget that those we might be dating probably had diverse experiences other than ours. Maybe their marriage or marriages were not so great. Maybe they were good, but got set in a pattern somehow that makes new experiences and meeting people scary and unsettling. And sometimes, actually, oftentimes, we run into situations we weren’t expecting. Like the crazy guy I had coffee with at McDonald’s on a blind date, and found him creepy and shifty-eyed and annoying. Also scary, because he was very critical of how well-dressed I was, and kept asking if my jewelry were real or not. (Answer: yes, it is real jewelry. Nice costume jewelry, but definitely tangible. It does exist on this dimension.) The biggest problem is the comparison with their ex-wife or late wife or last girlfriend. Sometimes this is a good comparison. Sometimes it is not. I find it unnerving and hate to be objectified like that. Of course, I am also comparing them with my late husband and my first husband (now also gone to the Great Reward, but not my doing, I assure you.) But that is OK. Because I would never tell them that I am doing this. But men, oh, men, they tell all. What is with men, anyway?
Well, I’ll tell you. They haven’t changed in 35 years. They just got older. And less flexible, and their personality traits are more pronounced, and they also often lack class and the ability to be subtle. For example, you would not believe how many tightwads there are out there who audibly gasp if you order the expensive item on the menu, even if you have told the wait person to bring separate checks. And you also would not believe how crass men can be. Some come right out and say that they are looking for sex. No preliminaries, mind you. They simply state it. Others are so gentlemanly you would think they are virgins. It’s a mixed bag.
Also, and here’s the sticking point about sex – few men over 50 are that good at sex, or so I’m told. (You do realize my personal experience here is somewhat limited?) But I’ve been talking to other women, and it is amazing how many men need that little blue pill before they can function even halfway. And others never learned about foreplay, or so I am told. One woman told me she dated a man who came over to her house, demanded coffee when he walked into the kitchen, and then, once served, announced he was “ready for bed.” Now, this is a funny story. She thought he was tired, so she went back to the bedroom and pulled down the comforter, fluffed the pillows, and went back and told him the bed was ready if he wished to retire. “Aren’t you coming?” he asked. She suddenly realized she had missed a cue, and he was totally without a filter. Needless to say, that relationship ended soon after.
So, with all these problems, how does a woman over 60 begin to date? Does she ask her potential dates about their sexual prowess, and whether they need medication? Does she buy a box of condoms and have them at the ready, just in case (Answer: Yes, most definitely. Never leave this one to chance. ) And, how soon is too soon, and who does the asking, and etc.? My suggestion is to leave sex on the back burner. Actually, most men over 60 will be relieved. Those little blue pills are costly. No need to waste one on something casual. Also, most likely, they are more nervous about sex than you are. If you want sex, probably best to find a man 20 years younger. But if you are looking for companionship, find one who has similar values to yours, and who has a past similar to yours. No need to settle. This may be the last chance you get to make it right.
I will write later about Internet dating. I have several friends who are into this right now, and the stories they tell are riveting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s